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Am I dying...or am I already dead...? Is that the reason I feel so numb, cut off...so emotionally disconnected from the world around me...? It this merely my body remaining in motion until the proper time comes to drop and become one with the dirt and worms…? Is that the reason I shy away from boredom but have very little will or desire to be anything substantial...because I am already, effectively...dead…?

What will the next four or five decades really be worth if my will to be...anything...is permanently buried in the past…? I can know there is a future ahead, and I can know I will ‘live’ to see it but I doubt very much I will have any serious connection to it or a substantial role in it. An anomaly...that’s my fate...nothing more than an anomaly...sucking up resources until the day I drop… A meager leech taking more than I can possibly give because basic survival is the only instinct I have left...

What do I really love…? What can I really love being so cut-off from everyone and everything I see around me…? Positive emotions seem so hollow...any emotion seems hollow...I feel hollow...an empty receptacle where nothing can remain save the feeling of emptiness… And yet, I have not the courage to end… Is it rational to want to end in the face of such overwhelming hopelessness…? I can’t answer that question but I do know that to ‘end’ is an answer even if it is not ‘the’ answer.

The endless string of pills and discussion only makes the problem worse, as if I am doomed to constantly fight an uphill battle against the very thing I grow weary of fighting… In effect, me...myself...that is the beast I fight… And the more I fight, the more I fight back...as if every step brings a punch to the gut which sends me two steps back… Maybe it’s a losing battle but the only real question I can ask is ‘Am I dying...or am I already dead…?’
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November 9
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